In the series called The Truth Is Not Delicate I describe a list of unhealthy thoughts and/or behaviors about what I may have taught my daughters as they grew up in a home with a young mom (me) involved in an abusive marriage and who was just discovering that she was sexually abused as a child.
Last week, number eight in this series was not believing my gut is not okay. This week number nine in the series is: believing I am not worthy is not okay.
Self-worth is the underlying purpose of my blog: A Treasure and a Pearl. I wrote about self-worth in my very first blog back in August, 2015. If we say we believe something but our actions don’t match that belief, do we really believe it? We can have head knowledge but if it doesn’t travel down deep into our heart then we haven’t really embraced it.
As a mother raising my children, I wasn’t aware I had an issue with self-worth. You can’t heal if you aren’t aware you have a wound. In my ignorance of this issue, I modeled my lack of self-worth in the things I said and in the way I behaved.
For example, there have been times in my past that I would think, “I’m not a good mother,” demonstrating my lack of self-confidence. I believed that I was second-class to everyone and, as a consequence, I had a distorted view about love. I believed I deserved to be treated in such a way that confirmed my thought process that I was unworthy of love.
The strains of my past abuse including my feelings of loneliness, being misunderstood, and abandonment created a physically hunched or slouched posture of unworthiness. This physical posture likely conveyed an unhealthy message to my girls about their self-worth.
As a woman who was abused and controlled by men, I believed the unspoken message that women have less value than men. My resultant actions may have been a way that I subtly modeled for my daughters that females have less value than the male gender. In reality, what I was modeling to them was unworthiness.
Many times certain messages in the Bible are misinterpreted to demean women. This can create a misconception of how God loves BOTH men AND women. The truth is that a male in authority does not have more value than anyone else. God loves both men and women the same. He does not show favoritism.
I want to share with my daughters that for whatever part I played in teaching or modeling unworthiness, I am truly sorry. I ask for forgiveness. I want to share healthier communication styles that provide a different teaching model not only for my daughters but also for all my relationships.
I know God loves me even when I need to make some changes. I am a Treasure and a Pearl.