The Truth Is Not Delicate #10 – Fear

fear

Fearful

In the series called The Truth Is Not Delicate I describe a list of unhealthy thoughts and/or behaviors about what I may have taught my daughters as they grew up in a home with a young mom (me) involved in an abusive marriage and who was just discovering that she was sexually abused as a child.

Last week, number nine in this series was: believing I am not worthy is not okay. This week number ten in the series is: being fearful is not okay.

Post Traumatic Stress

When I operate in the spirit of fear, I’m not functioning in power, love and self-control. As a mom I displayed fear which is an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat. When I remembered my childhood abuse at age 29, I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My fears at that time were coming from flashbacks as if I were living out that pain and suffering at that time, but those things were not really happening. It felt as if I was reliving the abuse of my past again in the present.

I was married at age 22 so I remembered my childhood abuse seven years into marriage. As my marriage continued and I had some healing from PTSD and lots of counseling around my childhood abuse, I do believe some of the fear that I was essentially demonstrating and/or potentially trying to hide was due to present threats from my husband.

Denial of Present Fear

I realize now it was a challenge to separate in my mind that I was abused as a child but also being abused by my husband. I didn’t have the skills at that time to ask for help or understand that I did have the power to ask for help. I needed to set better boundaries and speak up so everyone would be safe in my home. But instead of doing those things, I created coping mechanisms throughout my whole marriage to manage my husband’s angry outburst, and I also minimized emotional abuse that was happening toward my kids and me.

Being full of fear all the time is an unhealthy lifestyle. I am still working on my fears.  I think of my fears as if they are on a continuum. If ten is all fearful, and zero is no fear at all, I am somewhere in-between. Realistically I may have fears at some level all my life. I want to conquer my fears. I’ve chosen to not let fear to continue to control my life. I want to function in power, love, and self-control. I will do my best to live out this choice, knowing I will not be perfect.

I want to share with my daughters that for whatever part I played in teaching or modeling being fearful and operating in the spirit of fear, I am truly sorry. I ask for forgiveness. I want to share healthier communication styles that provide a different teaching model not only for my daughters but also for all my relationships.

I know God loves me even when I need to make some changes. I am a Treasure and a Pearl.

Love,

Sue Mocker

TreasureandaPearly-HopeAllowed

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4 Responses to The Truth Is Not Delicate #10 – Fear

  1. denise myers April 26, 2016 at 6:44 pm #

    Oh wow Sue…..We all live with some type of fear! I love how you end your story the same everytime and how you are unapologetically making things right with your kids. This is a beautiful tribute to your healing and what you are being so vunerable to do hopefully will allow others to see and come into the same type of healing.

    You are an inspiration to those who get the blessing to read this.

    • Sue Mocker May 2, 2016 at 3:19 pm #

      Denise, such wonderful words of encouragement!

  2. Lee Squirrel April 29, 2016 at 8:13 am #

    I enjoyed hearing you speak at our conference. That is a safe place for me to be with God and my sisters in Christian. I’ve learned that none of us have a storybook life. We all have things to carry until ready to give it to God. I too was abused as a kid by someone close to my family. I eventually took back my power. As a child of God, I was actually able to forgive. The forgiveness was for myself. The anger was hurting me, not him. So I let it go. I am so grateful to God for showing me how to forgive.

    • Sue Mocker May 2, 2016 at 3:18 pm #

      Lee, thank you so much for sharing your story. You are loved! You are brave! I love that God is part of your life and that you found out how to forgive!

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