Over the past few months I have been writing a lot about my value and worth, and how abuse during my childhood abuse and in my former marriage caused me to believe things about myself that are not true. I am working on untangling those lies and finding truth. As I dig deeper within myself, I find the places I am endeavoring to heal, even the tough ones.
Every year I watch the classic Christmas movie It’s a Wonderful Life. George, the main character, was so stressed out about doing things for others and some lost money that could lead to losing the business, he remembered he had a life insurance policy that would more than pay for the debt he owed and give his family a bit extra financial security. He thought he was worth more dead than alive. Thankfully, an angel came into his life to help him see his value. He then realized he wanted to live. In the meantime, his wife reached out for help from family and friends whose lives has been touched by George. And they got the money to pay the debt.
There are times when we have no idea how much our lives matter to others and how much we are loved. I have not experienced thoughts of suicide myself, but I have experienced the doubt that no one would love me or understand me if they knew what was really going on inside me. At the age of 17 I had an abortion. I thought my life would be better if my baby was not a part of it. If I had someone to call and talk with about how I felt at that time, maybe I would have had told my mom and dad. But I didn’t’t. At the time, I didn’t think I had another option. That wasn’t true. I did.
It’s ok to feel an emotion other than happy at Christmas time.
At this time of year, it is easy to think about past trauma and shame that can overwhelm our hearts and souls. When someone has gone through trauma in their past, those memories can bring us into the past trauma. It seems at Christmas time I have to put on the happy face, keep to traditions, and make sure my emotions or behavior don’t ruin the day for others. This has caused me to not be real with myself and my family.
Now, I have learned in order to deal with hard things, I have to feel to heal. I have to be in the present and not pretend that life isn’t painful sometimes. I need to be around people who will accept me during these times of healing. This year, I am working on being real for myself. I have been able to do a lot of work healing the wounds of my past because staying in the present is a gift for myself and for my family.
If you are in need of someone to listen who won’t judge you, reach out.
If you are going through a difficult time and need someone to talk to, I want to let you know about the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
If you are struggling with guilt and shame of having an abortion, there is hope and healing. Check out this article: HeartLink.org